X marks the spot

I've not watched The X Factor.

That's not strictly true, but on the rare occasions I have seen it, I'm horrified by the entire concept. These poor fools who believe that success in life is a once-only opportunity - and they believe this X Factor crap is that opportunity.

However, I stumbled on this...

I defy anyone with a soul not to fight back the tears when they watch it.

Apparently, this chap has gone on to be very successful. Quite right too.

Just fuck off Labour and leave us alone!

"1984 was not an Instruction Manual"

That really cool quote from Old Holborn has kick-started me again - and obviously the distress of Grumpy Young Biker who, apparently, misses my crap blogs.

Words cannot describe how much I hate this Government and yet, every day they manage to make me hate them a little bit more.

I've never voted for Labour in my life, but the last Tory Government had me almost believing that Blair and NuLabour might be better - no one could have dreamt how much worse they could be...

I shall bow to a much better Blogger than I (Old Holborn), who had this to say recently...

Government blog warning: Repeated exposure to non-Righteous blogs might result in secondary thinking.

"Today the woodwork has literally exploded with things crawling out of it. Our Righteous overlords have now demoted smokers from 'subhuman' to 'a target'. Once we were free men. Then we were numbers. Now we are one number, all of us, collectively. We are one number that must be reduced. We are to be exterminated. Because, as you anti-smokers smiling and clapping your hands at that statement believe, we are not human. We should be made to wear nicotine-coloured badges. Off to the camps with us. ASH has the Final Solution all dusted off and ready to go again. Ah, but will we be the only ones?

I'm getting all my tobacco overseas and paying no tax on it to this government. It's bad enough being dictated to by wriggling segmented things that ooze from the decaying panels of Westmonster bars (where they can still smoke), it's bad enough that non-smokers have the right to harass and abuse me in public and I have no right to respond, it's bad enough that the only thing that now counts as litter is a cigarette end, it's bad enough that even open spaces are denied me. It's worse that I will be denied the right to smoke in my own property where nobody else is present. I will not pay them to do this to me. No more tax.

I have a mobile phone. In fact, I have two. I paid cash because they weren't expensive enough to trouble a credit card. Both are pay as you go phones and since I hate talking on phones, a small top-up lasts for months. I am not a terrorist, even though I know far more about bacterial disease than anyone in the government would consider safe. I am not a criminal. The police have no record of me. Why, then, am I to be forced to register my phone as though I were some evil threat to all humanity? To stop terrorists?

Terrorists like those who leave their bins open. Terrorists like those who send their children to school. Terrorists like those who might have a friend over. Terrorists like the staff and customers of Icelandic banks. How many real terrorists have these laws caught? I'll be generous - you can include the research student who downloaded a copy of a terrorist manual because that's what his thesis was about. Yes, include him. He's the nearest you'll get.

The smoking laws, and the coming laws to prevent eating and drinking, are not about health. The carbon-footprint junk is not about the environment. The anti-terrorist laws have nothing to do with terrorists. They are about control of the population. They don't want us to stop smoking because 'it would be good for our health'. They want to condition us to do what we are told.

Those CCTV cameras, those phone taps, the bespectacled pinstripe anencephalic scanning the Internet (now pausing for a moment to look up 'anencephalic'), the Email logs, the DNA database, ID cards, none of those things have had nor will have the slightest effect on crime or terrorism. They are not meant to.

Criminals will fake ID cards. Criminals will steal the glass you were drinking from in the pub and leave it at a crime scene so it's your DNA that shows up. Criminals will steal your phone so when the crime comes to light, it's your door that gets kicked in at 3 am, not theirs. Criminals will fake your Email address and hack into your wireless network. Once more, your door gets the boot treatment.

These measures will not stop criminals. These measures are a godsend to criminals. Remember that gun ban? That told the criminals that nobody law-abiding had a gun so it was safe to burgle anywhere. Muggers loved the knife ban. DNA database? Perfect for framing a patsy. Tracked mobile phones? Perfect - steal one and your victim gets the blame. Email tracking? Spammers fake your Email all the time. They are still active, they have not been caught, so why would the criminal using your account be any different?

The measures are not intended to catch criminals. They are intended to create them. A whole raft of new prosecutions of people who thought they had nothing to hide and therefore nothing to fear. A whole slew of unsuspecting suckers who will wake to the 3 am boot-call. These saps will be fined heavily and then thrown out until the next milking time. You might well have nothing to hide. You certainly have something to fear.

Tame first, milk later. We are being domesticated by this government so they can pull us off the streets or haul us from our beds and take money from us under the pretext of ‘fines’. These fines are put in place on the pretext of ‘anti-terror laws’. The smoking ban, the attacks on the overweight and on those who like a drink, these are the softening-up approaches.

Do what you are told. Turn against the smoker, the drinker, the fatty, the driver. Shop your neighbour for throwing away too much. Turn in that litter lout. Denounce that man who walks past the school every day on his way to work. Threaten teachers with child abuse accusations which will finish their career and stay on file forever – even if proven untrue.

Tame that population. Keep them frightened. Make sure they can’t trust each other. Don’t let them learn too much. Change the rules about what is and is not offensive every few days. Riots? The laws are in place to deal with that already. Insisting on innocence? Double the penalty if they don’t confess straight away. They’ll get the message.

Nobody is innocent. The word of the Official is Law.

And then, when you are tamed, you can be milked. Increase the fines. Turn the screw.

And when there is no more milk… well, ask a dairy farmer what happens."

Olympic Flames

I just don't get it!

I hate waste. I hate polution. And I don't believe a word about Global Warming.

But what I can't get my head around is this massive Olympic Flame that burns for the whole duration of the competion. Isn't that a wanton waste of energy? Doesn't it cause a completely unnecessary dose of CO2 emissions to be unleashed into the already ailing Chinese atmosphere?

So where are all these self-righteous do-gooders when it comes to the flame?

I'll tell you where - they only spout bollocks when it suits them.

ps sorry for the break - I didn't feel very grumpy for a while.

The Siren's call

You know how some things really piss you off…

Well, I can’t stand all those audible warnings that assault us daily. I’m talking here about vehicle warning sounds. I’m talking about the absurd situation where any reasonably sized vehicle emits a verbal warning to announce it’s in reverse.

To think there was a time when drivers had responsibility not to reverse over someone, and pedestrians had a similar responsibility to see a 30ton truck backing towards them. First we had the beep–beep sound but this has been replaced by a recording of some jumped-up twat calmly announcing, “Stand well clear. This vehicle is reversing”, repeated in an endless loop.

Who is this supposed to help?

Most of us can see the bloody thing, and the only additional information for those with limited sight is that it’s a lorry moving backwards rather than forwards that will mow them down – and that’s only if they can speak English. Pointless health & safety bollocks made worse because it’s seriously annoying.

And, whilst I’m on the subject, I can’t stand Emergency Vehicle sirens either.

How did they get it so wrong?

The drivers of these vehicles have a range of sounds from which to choose, each one is, apparently, to describe the severity of the situation. Unfortunately, they haven’t let us know what they mean.

But the worse thing is – you just can’t tell which direction the vehicle is coming from.

Madness! Couldn’t they test these things before introduction, or is that an insanely sensible thing to do?

At the first hint of a siren, everyone within a mile radius drives along with their eyes glued to their rear-view mirror, occasionally daring to make glances at other drivers and shrugging their shoulders as if to say, “Have you any idea which direction it’s coming from – coz I haven’t a clue”.

And when it finally arrives, what chaos ensues.

The minority who finally capture a view of the vehicle in their mirrors feel rewarded. All that anxiety has been worth it. They are, indeed, the chosen ones.

Their destiny in life is now to perform a give-way manoeuvre with as much panic as they can muster. They will slow down and form a congested queue or stop on a blind bend or mount the pavement, scattering the momentarily deafened pedestrians. I’ve yet to see more than a couple of well-considered avoidance techniques. Most appear to hinder rather than help the oncoming vehicle.

There is a known phenomenon where an Emergency Vehicle constantly leaves a smattering of minor accidents in its wake.

And isn’t it remarkable how the most hardened road user, who wouldn’t normally give an inch of space to anyone in case they achieved the unheard of and managed to get in front of them, suddenly clambers all over the road furniture to allow room for an emergency vehicle.

Do you think it’s some form of soul-cleansing exercise?

If shoes could talk…

My best mate at work is Shirley.

She is my assistant, which loosely speaking, means she works for me, although my needs come way down at the bottom of the food chain if someone else needs some help from her. But that’s okay, her main contribution is to keep me sane in the ‘asylum’ we call work.

She makes me laugh, and that’s the greatest gift of all. And to be perfectly honest, she also nags me – but I accept that because I’ve grown to realise I’m the sort of person who invites that reaction. I must give the impression that my life is hopelessly beyond my control.

Sadly, she only works 2 days a week – and those days are not particularly well defined. That is to say, they’re defined well enough for Shirley, but I seldom know when I’m likely to see her again. Often, the phone rings on the morning I’m anticipating her welcome arrival, and it’s Shirley telling me the lady from the cat rescue home is coming round to ‘vet’ her suitability to adopt kittens, or some such valid reason for not making it in.

None of that’s a problem to me.

Anyway, today the phone rings and it’s her. “David, I’m in the car park and I’m stuck”.

Well, that’s a relief; at least she’s here…

“ I’ve got the heel of my shoe stuck in the dashboard, and I can’t get it out”.

Nothing about Shirley surprises me, but I struggled to anticipate the scene that would greet me as I made my way downstairs.

Indeed, her heel was stuck, but at a much reduced elevation than my mind had conjured up. It was stuck at floor level but seriously jammed into the centre console.

How she’d achieved this feat I’m not sure, but naturally, I released her. It had made my day. As I said, Shirley makes me laugh.

Farts, Shoots & CRB’s

Thing with this Blogging lark is, you’re never short of something to discuss.

I’m in a dilemma today, but I couldn’t resist this ridiculous story from Argentina where ‘researchers’ are tying bloody great bags on to the backs of cattle to capture their farts. They discovered that cows account for over 30% of the country’s greenhouse gases, and methane is 23 times worse than carbon dioxide at trapping heat in the atmosphere.

Now my conclusion would be... how insignificant is man compared to this onslaught of wind, but no, they decide they should change the cattle’s diet, which I can’t believe will make a blind bit of difference.


On the other hand, I couldn’t resist a story about Brown shooting himself in the foot, (again).

Still content to stand up at the G8 summit and show the world how unfortunate we are to be blessed with him as our leader, he virtually declares war on the Nigerian rebel army.

You need to understand that Nigeria is the world’s 8th largest oil producer, so he probably thought he was onto a good scam. Unfortunately, his unilateral stance has provoked the collapse of the current ceasefire, threatened the lives of the 4,000 Britons who live there, and helped to further drive up crude oil prices on world markets.

Gee, thanks Gordon. We really needed that.


But finally, I just had to include this story, which proves beyond doubt that this country is drowning in Red Tape.

Alex Jones is 14-years-old, has cerebral palsy and is severely epileptic. Merthyr Tydfil Council commendably provide a taxi to take him to school, and his Mum has always gone with him – until recently.

Unbelievably, the Council now say she can’t accompany her son in the taxi unless she has had a CRB check – which could take up to 6 weeks to obtain.

How pathetically stupid can some people be?

I despair…

Roll up! Git ya donuts ‘ere…

This would be laughable if you didn’t realise this Government actually believe they are serious politicians.

Hazel Bleary plans to introduce legislation to entice us into the Polling Stations with incentives to vote that could run from a chance to win a plasma television to a free doughnut.

Why’s that then? So they can lose by an even greater majority perhaps?

The gifts and prizes idea is one of a string of earth-shattering schemes.
Other plans include an offer of cash back to residents if a council fails to provide the services it promises. That could mean a £10 rebate if dustmen fail to collect the rubbish on schedule.

Yeah right, that doesn’t seem like fair ammunition with which to fight back. They get to ‘fine’ us £200 for putting our bin out a nanosecond too soon, and we can only claim £10 if they fail to turn up at all. That sounds like Labour’s idea of justice.

There are other bits which appear even more sinister…

In future, town halls will be able to pay high salaries to officials who are councillors elsewhere.

Oh, so they will need to ‘thought shower’ more evil ways of screwing fines out of us then.

They will also be allowed to produce political propaganda to 'support councillors'.

Surprise, surprise!

And some councillors will no longer have to turn up at meetings. Instead they will be allowed to influence them at a distance by casting an electronic 'remote vote' from home.

Silly me. I thought Local Councils were supposed to consist of local people.

Well, I'm looking forward to my doughnut at the polling station - Is it me, or does this Government look more like a Monty Python sketch every day?

Cloud cuckoo land

I can’t understand how anyone can be so willing to constantly demonstrate what a complete asshole they are.

In a week when our beloved Prime Minister admonished us to eat more sensibly and waste less food, he flies off (reckless use of carbon emissions, Oh Mighty Leader) to the G8 summit in Japan, and promptly tucked into an extravagant eight-course dinner.

And they were there to discuss the world food shortage? Twats!

He then stands up and insists that all petrol-driven cars should be off the road within 12 years, to be replaced by electric or hybrid engines.

The man is clearly off his trolley…

It was only a few months ago he insisted that bio fuels were the answer – and what an unmitigated disaster that idea has proved to be.

So where does he imagine all this electrical power will come from?

Dear Gordon, if I can do some research, why can’t you? For example, if you covered the windiest 10% of the country with windmills – which would double the entire fleet of all wind turbines in the world - we could only generate enough power for us all to drive about 20 miles a day.

And if you don’t believe that fact, read this.

Stelvio and (thankfully) back

Phew! Made it back!

That was 2670 miles in 10 days that took in 7 counties and at least 5 Alpine passes including the famous Stelvio and Grossglockner Passes.

Glad to get back for a rest…

Despite a couple of vertigo attacks, it was bloody fantastic. Everywhere we went the roads were brilliant, everywhere we went other road users were bike friendly, everywhere was clean, and everywhere the roads felt safer than they do in this country – well, apart from the sheer drops with nothing to stop you plummeting 10.000ft to certain death.

One impression I’ve brought back is how far this country has generally dropped behind the rest, particularly with our road safety. I’m convinced the last 10 years of our speed centric road policy has introduced a decline in driving skills. Over there, drivers seem more aware and more tolerant and they are able to use speed sensibly.

Talking of which, aren’t those Autobahns brilliant? Nice to stretch the bike’s legs once in a while.

I took this picture from the top of the Stelvio Pass - and you can't even see most of the 48 hairpin bends!!

It was a queezy moment taking that shot and the thought of getting on the bike to ride down was not immediately appealing, but I did it and it was great fun. I think.

Bye bye loneliness...

Well, that’s it then – off to Austria now…

But before I go, my parting shot - I love Blogs, I love Blogging, but I’m asking myself, will I carry on with this on my return?

All I wanted was at least one person (who didn’t know me) to post a comment – or at least read something I’d written, but nothing… zilch! nada! bugger-all!

It’s not that I’ve not been pro-active. I’ve made loads of linked comments on other Blogs. They’re like bait, tempting others to click-and-visit before I reel them in to the wonders of my grumpyness. But perhaps my offers of dry bread failed to hook like a juicy worm might.

Of course, there must be thousands out there just like me, who type away daily, sniggering at their own subtle wit and willing others to share the brilliance as it falls from the keyboard. Thousands out there whose words fall on barren soil, (either that or they’re all crap like me).

Still, I don’t do this for adoration. I do this becoz it helps to relieve some frustration, which otherwise my wife has to listen to – and all my friends – and work colleagues – and that bloke who works at the fuel station…

So, who knows?

Now I’m off to Austria on my bike, and before I go – a big thank you to all my readers. That’s my wife and my 3 friends (that is, the 3 that have bothered to type in my site address - not the rest of you bastards who won't read this coz you can't be arsed).

I love you, fans.