Farts, Shoots & CRB’s

Thing with this Blogging lark is, you’re never short of something to discuss.

I’m in a dilemma today, but I couldn’t resist this ridiculous story from Argentina where ‘researchers’ are tying bloody great bags on to the backs of cattle to capture their farts. They discovered that cows account for over 30% of the country’s greenhouse gases, and methane is 23 times worse than carbon dioxide at trapping heat in the atmosphere.

Now my conclusion would be... how insignificant is man compared to this onslaught of wind, but no, they decide they should change the cattle’s diet, which I can’t believe will make a blind bit of difference.


On the other hand, I couldn’t resist a story about Brown shooting himself in the foot, (again).

Still content to stand up at the G8 summit and show the world how unfortunate we are to be blessed with him as our leader, he virtually declares war on the Nigerian rebel army.

You need to understand that Nigeria is the world’s 8th largest oil producer, so he probably thought he was onto a good scam. Unfortunately, his unilateral stance has provoked the collapse of the current ceasefire, threatened the lives of the 4,000 Britons who live there, and helped to further drive up crude oil prices on world markets.

Gee, thanks Gordon. We really needed that.


But finally, I just had to include this story, which proves beyond doubt that this country is drowning in Red Tape.

Alex Jones is 14-years-old, has cerebral palsy and is severely epileptic. Merthyr Tydfil Council commendably provide a taxi to take him to school, and his Mum has always gone with him – until recently.

Unbelievably, the Council now say she can’t accompany her son in the taxi unless she has had a CRB check – which could take up to 6 weeks to obtain.

How pathetically stupid can some people be?

I despair…

Roll up! Git ya donuts ‘ere…

This would be laughable if you didn’t realise this Government actually believe they are serious politicians.

Hazel Bleary plans to introduce legislation to entice us into the Polling Stations with incentives to vote that could run from a chance to win a plasma television to a free doughnut.

Why’s that then? So they can lose by an even greater majority perhaps?

The gifts and prizes idea is one of a string of earth-shattering schemes.
Other plans include an offer of cash back to residents if a council fails to provide the services it promises. That could mean a £10 rebate if dustmen fail to collect the rubbish on schedule.

Yeah right, that doesn’t seem like fair ammunition with which to fight back. They get to ‘fine’ us £200 for putting our bin out a nanosecond too soon, and we can only claim £10 if they fail to turn up at all. That sounds like Labour’s idea of justice.

There are other bits which appear even more sinister…

In future, town halls will be able to pay high salaries to officials who are councillors elsewhere.

Oh, so they will need to ‘thought shower’ more evil ways of screwing fines out of us then.

They will also be allowed to produce political propaganda to 'support councillors'.

Surprise, surprise!

And some councillors will no longer have to turn up at meetings. Instead they will be allowed to influence them at a distance by casting an electronic 'remote vote' from home.

Silly me. I thought Local Councils were supposed to consist of local people.

Well, I'm looking forward to my doughnut at the polling station - Is it me, or does this Government look more like a Monty Python sketch every day?

Cloud cuckoo land

I can’t understand how anyone can be so willing to constantly demonstrate what a complete asshole they are.

In a week when our beloved Prime Minister admonished us to eat more sensibly and waste less food, he flies off (reckless use of carbon emissions, Oh Mighty Leader) to the G8 summit in Japan, and promptly tucked into an extravagant eight-course dinner.

And they were there to discuss the world food shortage? Twats!

He then stands up and insists that all petrol-driven cars should be off the road within 12 years, to be replaced by electric or hybrid engines.

The man is clearly off his trolley…

It was only a few months ago he insisted that bio fuels were the answer – and what an unmitigated disaster that idea has proved to be.

So where does he imagine all this electrical power will come from?

Dear Gordon, if I can do some research, why can’t you? For example, if you covered the windiest 10% of the country with windmills – which would double the entire fleet of all wind turbines in the world - we could only generate enough power for us all to drive about 20 miles a day.

And if you don’t believe that fact, read this.

Stelvio and (thankfully) back

Phew! Made it back!

That was 2670 miles in 10 days that took in 7 counties and at least 5 Alpine passes including the famous Stelvio and Grossglockner Passes.

Glad to get back for a rest…

Despite a couple of vertigo attacks, it was bloody fantastic. Everywhere we went the roads were brilliant, everywhere we went other road users were bike friendly, everywhere was clean, and everywhere the roads felt safer than they do in this country – well, apart from the sheer drops with nothing to stop you plummeting 10.000ft to certain death.

One impression I’ve brought back is how far this country has generally dropped behind the rest, particularly with our road safety. I’m convinced the last 10 years of our speed centric road policy has introduced a decline in driving skills. Over there, drivers seem more aware and more tolerant and they are able to use speed sensibly.

Talking of which, aren’t those Autobahns brilliant? Nice to stretch the bike’s legs once in a while.

I took this picture from the top of the Stelvio Pass - and you can't even see most of the 48 hairpin bends!!

It was a queezy moment taking that shot and the thought of getting on the bike to ride down was not immediately appealing, but I did it and it was great fun. I think.

Bye bye loneliness...

Well, that’s it then – off to Austria now…

But before I go, my parting shot - I love Blogs, I love Blogging, but I’m asking myself, will I carry on with this on my return?

All I wanted was at least one person (who didn’t know me) to post a comment – or at least read something I’d written, but nothing… zilch! nada! bugger-all!

It’s not that I’ve not been pro-active. I’ve made loads of linked comments on other Blogs. They’re like bait, tempting others to click-and-visit before I reel them in to the wonders of my grumpyness. But perhaps my offers of dry bread failed to hook like a juicy worm might.

Of course, there must be thousands out there just like me, who type away daily, sniggering at their own subtle wit and willing others to share the brilliance as it falls from the keyboard. Thousands out there whose words fall on barren soil, (either that or they’re all crap like me).

Still, I don’t do this for adoration. I do this becoz it helps to relieve some frustration, which otherwise my wife has to listen to – and all my friends – and work colleagues – and that bloke who works at the fuel station…

So, who knows?

Now I’m off to Austria on my bike, and before I go – a big thank you to all my readers. That’s my wife and my 3 friends (that is, the 3 that have bothered to type in my site address - not the rest of you bastards who won't read this coz you can't be arsed).

I love you, fans.

Disability Dolls

I’m not often stuck for an opinion, but this one’s really tricky…

My first reaction to “disability dolls”, and specifically the Down’s Syndrome version, was one of disbelief. It all sounds slightly sick, especially considering this is one in a range, which includes hairless dolls – “Chemo Friends” – for children undergoing chemotherapy.

You can also buy dolls with prosthetic limbs, walking frames, hearing aids, and “blind” dolls complete with guide dogs.

These dolls apparently sell well, so somebody is buying them, but I bet it’s not the children.

No one sees themselves as they are, and who needs a reminder every time they pick up a doll? After all, who looks like a Barbie Doll with her breasts to die for and legs that go on forever? Dolls are a fantasy (at least they are for me), and I’m sure I find these slightly patronising and I suspect they’re a creation of the well-intentioned but utterly misguided people that ‘know what’s best for everyone’.

What think you?

Tunbridge Wells Desert

Local Councils are fast becoming the curse of the 21st century…

Admittedly, they’ve been gifted some extraordinary new powers by Central Government and, like the adolescent coming of age, they have little idea how to use their new found freedom and routinely act to excess.

They find ever-increasing ways to ‘fine’ us – sometimes completely ignoring the law. They find ridiculous excuses to ban things that people enjoy and which hold communities together.

They flout the law on surveillance and generally treat people with contempt. The list is endless.

And I can’t for the life of me understand their agenda. Unfortunately, this little story does little to enlighten me…

Tunbridge Wells Council have now banned the expression ‘brainstorming’ and in future, meetings to generate new ideas will be referred to as ‘thought showers’.

Councillors are concerned ‘brainstorming’ may be offensive to epileptics – and this is despite a survey by the National Society for Epilepsy, which concluded with a resounding No. It certainly wasn’t deemed offensive at all.

Unsurprisingly, the Council believe they know best and issued a very ‘telling’ statement.

“We take diversity issues very seriously.”

We take talking bollocks very seriously, more like!

Well, if this is an example of their ‘thought showers’, they obviously live in an arid desert.

Is nothing sacred?

NO! NO! NO!

A skirt please, Maria.


Another of my sad little pleasures - gone...

Objects of desire

This story caught my eye – not because it’s headline news but because it’s another example of the ridiculous state the people have let their country degenerate into.

50-year-old Rob McCaffery loves buses – he must do, he’s been travelling the world for the last forty years taking pictures of them.

And guess which is the only country where the public and the police take offence… Bingo, you’ve got it in one. Here he’s been accused of being a terrorist and paedophile.

It’s all to do with that dreaded Section 44 of the Terrorism Act 2000, where police officers may randomly stop people who wantonly go around wielding that most evil piece of equipment – a camera.

And it seems Joe Public just loves to call the police – but why?

Why have people so warmly embraced the mentality that everyone is breaking the law some way or other, and love to go around spotting evildoers?

Just chill out will you. For some inexplicable reason you’re endorsing this Government as they systematically go about destroying this country.

It's no mean feet

Disaster has struck...

This whole business of packing your bike for an epic trip is fraught with worry. I know what McGregor and Boorman went through now.

I’ve spent all day doing it, apart from about 3 hours polishing the bike so it looks really cool. And what happens this evening?

Well I’ll tell you what – I’ve got Athlete’s Foot!

I now have 4 days to cure it coz there’s no way I can fit the tube of ointment in the bike.

I don’t remember Ewan or Charlie having these sort of problems!